My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
there's paper in my vomit.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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