this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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