These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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