My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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