He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
