Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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