he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
