he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Shame - the story of my life.
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