WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
