shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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