Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
