maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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