The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
