Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I could make wine with my vomit
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
