So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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