I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
