Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
