The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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