Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
