he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
