I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
