saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
