my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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