We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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