Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
