So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
