it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
