Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just blew my weed a kiss
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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