Cold hands, warm shart.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the day after is always just damage control
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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