If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
