I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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