New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
