Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You smell like stripper and shame
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
