I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
