I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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