My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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