I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
