WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
