I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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