Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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