sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
