I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
