He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
