So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
