he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Someone signed my nipple.
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