I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
