i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
