he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
