If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
