Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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