Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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